The One Lesson I Teach Most Often - Boundaries in Relationships

I am often asked if there is something that I teach repeatedly in therapy, and the answer is a resounding: “Yes! Boundaries.”

What are Personal Boundaries?

When the time for a boundaries lesson arises (and it almost always does), I draw a scribbly picture of a street with three homes and three yards that need tending. I explain that the neighbors—Order, Chaos, and Enabler—manage their time and resources very differently. One is ultra-responsible, another has a “poor me” learned helplessness mindset, and the last one spends a lot of time in other people’s yards (ultimately burning out from taking on too much). I then translate this into boundaries between people.

I say with emphasis, “Don’t mow other people’s yards when they can do it themselves! You only reinforce their helplessness and exhaust yourself.”

While this is pretty easy to apply in individual relationships, it gets stickier when you have a partner. People say, “Yeah, but when my partner doesn’t take care of their responsibilities, they become mine.” Or, “When my partner won’t change, I have to deal with their crap.” Yep—there’s some truth in these comments. But the boundary concepts are the same for couples as they are for individuals.

Healthy boundaries in a relationship are about knowing what’s yours and what’s not—while staying connected.

Research on codependence highlights a subtle but powerful distortion: we start to believe that love means managing (or worse, controlling) another person’s emotions, behaviors, choices, or growth. In reality, love means recognizing that your partner’s feelings (like frustration with you), behaviors (even laziness), decisions, and consequences belong to them. Yours belong to you. Boundaries are the structure that helps us keep our individuality while choosing connection.

Yeah, But You Don’t Know My Partner

I may have met your partner. They don’t help around the house? They accuse you of things you haven’t done? They shut down and withdraw when you try to have hard conversations? Yep—I’ve met them. And yes, all of us have things we’d definitely change about our partners (except my husband, of course…ha!).

What To Do Next

If you’ve ever felt like your partner’s issues, emotions, irresponsibility, or behaviors are becoming your responsibility, step back and observe what’s happening. You are probably crossing into “their yard”—trying to fix them, rescue the situation, direct or control outcomes, or pressure them. None of these build connection—they destroy it.

Here’s what you do instead:

• Get clear on what is yours vs. what is theirs—and stay in your lane

• Stop rescuing; allow natural consequences to do their job

• Communicate your needs clearly, without over-explaining or justifying

• Set limits on what you will and won’t tolerate—and follow through

• Let your partner experience their own discomfort without rushing in to fix it

• Focus on your own growth instead of managing theirs

• Stay connected without over-functioning (this is the sweet spot)

• Remember: love is not control—it’s respect, responsibility, and choice

If this resonates, take a moment to notice where you might be stepping into someone else’s “yard”—and gently step back.