RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY:
This Isn’t Just More Talking. Here's what I've learned.
You don't need venting.
You need change.
People have often asked why I got into the field of psychotherapy.
Like most people in this field, it was a culmination of my own hurts and pain, receiving help from others, then deciding to give back and share what I've learned with others. (Hopefully they don't have to learn from the school of hard knocks.)
So when people talk about their struggles, I truly understand. And just keeping it real - even in marriage. No relationship is without its hiccups.
That's why I am confident in saying,
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You've probably talked around in circles hundreds of times. The same topics. The same struggles.
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You may feel like you have nothing left to say.
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Maybe you've cried, yelled, withdrawn and become a version of yourself you don't even recognize. (That's what people do when they're frustrated and don't know how to get through to each other.)
Now,
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you want yourself back
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you want to stop hurting
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you want to get back to a time when things felt easier.
And believe me, here's what I want for you: healing - whatever that looks like for you. And insight alone isn't the answer.
Why insight alone doesnt' change a relationship.
You've had the same "we need to talk" conversation a million times (OK, that's an exaggeration, but it feels like a million, right?) So why isn't it working?
Because the issue isn't awareness of the pattern. It's awareness doesn't change behaviors.
Couples will say, here's our pattern:
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I say something
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My partner reacts to it
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I explain more
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My partner reacts with more intensity
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I get frustrated
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My partner shuts down (and we end up right where we started.)
This isn't a communication problem, it's a behavior problem - an interactional pattern of behaviors.
Until the attitudes, mindsets, and behaviors change, the outcome won't.
The role of your past in your current relationships.
(And why we'll dig beneath the surface.)
The challenges you're facing in your relationship didn't start here.
Each of you brings a history into the relationship. You acquired beliefs, attitudes, and mindsets from the people around you. You learned ways to cope, adapt, and relate to others. Some of what you learned helped you survive and made sense at one time. But now, in your adult relationships, they may be harming your ability to truly connect.
We won't ignore this fact.
In the presence of your partner, I'll help you begin to
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see yourself more clearly and
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understand your beliefs, mindsets, and behaviors - and where they came from.
Then we will strive to replace old coping strategies that are no longer helpful with relationship skills using the "Wise Adult Mind."
As each of you grows in understanding and emotional maturity,
your behaviors will change and your relationship will change.
I am Rosemary Via and I work on relational transformation from the inside out.
Like most couples I work with, I'm sure you are already aware of the outward symptoms of your relational problems - like defensiveness and poor listening. But if we stop there, we're missing the deeper issues and this is where couples therapy often falls short.
If we do the "Repeat back what your partner just said" exercise too soon, and miss something profound - like a partner inappropriately projecting their father's worst traits onto their husband - we'll soon be right back in circular conversations and pain.
How I work
I've experimented with several couples therapy approaches (including some of the big names you'll see referenced in articles) and they just weren't producing great outcomes. But I found three that - when combined - are transformational. Along with my own discoveries around acquired beliefs and mindsets, I use the following:
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Relational Life Therapy (RLT)
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The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy
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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
These methods aren't about endlessly talking about problems (e.g., venting.) They're about
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understanding how the beliefs you hold affect how you speak and behave relationally,
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how you acquired those beliefs and mindsets,
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why what worked as a child doesn't work as an adult,
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understanding the natural stages of relationships and the developmental tasks of each stage,
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how we can further mature relationally no matter where we are, and
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learning new skills for relating to each other to sustain meaningful connection.
Using these approaches, we look at where you're stuck, reset expectations, and build the skills and mindsets that will enable you to have productive conversations.
Talking more is simply more talk.
Changing beliefs and behaviors is what's needed.
Core Credentials for Rosemary Via
Education, credentials and training matter, so I'm happy to share the following with you:
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18 Years of Clinical Mental Health Experience
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Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, Loyola University, MD.
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National Certified Counselor
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Licensed Professional Counselor
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Virginia License Number: 0701010193
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Pennsylvania License Number: PC006919
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Professional Certified Coach, Internal Coaching Federation
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Certified Coach, Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching
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Over 2,900 coaching sessions completed with BetterUp, a global provider of leadership and executive coaching to Fortune 2000 companies
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What to Expect in a Couples Therapy Session
Sessions begin with some catching up and talking about what has been going well and what has not.
Then, using real-life situations, we'll slow down and look closely at what's happening between you during the difficult moments.
I'll offer direct, real-time feedback, perspective, and teachings helping you see blind spots, patterns, and the ways you open - and close - the door to connection.
You'll discover information about yourself and your partner, build emotional intimacy, and begin recovery from past conflicts as well as how to avoid hurting each other in the future.
And while this work is serious, we'll find moments to laugh along the way.
You will leave the appointments with communication skills and behaviors to practice at home that help you regulate your emotions and get through to your partner in a loving manner.